As I sit here on my couch, I have so many thoughts flying through my head. There are so many things I feel like I need to do. There are so many things that I want to do. Yet somehow in the past 30 years, I have allowed myself to be lazy – to let internal confidence prevent me from being externally active. That ends today.
Today, I am starting to be an active participant in my destiny. I am done living with the idea that things are just going to come to me. I am done allowing myself to justify my laziness with the thought that my destiny will happen on its own because that’s the way things are supposed to be.
Today, I will begin sharing my insights with the world. Today, I will no longer be selfish and keep these revelations internalized. Today, the world will become a better place because I am in it!
First, let me explain the past – the story of development that led me to this point.
I am a 30-year-old female. I work for a Fortune 500 company, yet that’s not descriptive of me or who I want to be. Theoretically, there would be many opportunities at such a company. However, for me I feel that this job is just holding me back from becoming who I am meant to be.
I graduated from college in December 2007. I was fully “checked.” Checked in this context meaning that in my world of lists, the correct boxes had been marked off.
College graduate ✔️
In my mind, I had all the essentials. I had a piece of paper to open doors. I had mastered the art of writing papers and studying to graduate. I knew what my life goals were. I wasn’t a miserable single girl. I had it all, right?
Wrong… In reality I had a piece of paper that certified my debt and proved that I was not financially mature. I had intelligence that I wasted because I was used to having things handed to me. I was lazy and subconsciously refused to strive to be the best that I could be. I wasn’t ambitious – I had an idea of what I was passionate about but no plan, or real desire, to work to set or achieve goals to peruse those passions. I had a boyfriend, but not a partner. I had what, from the outside, looked like a good life… I guess, but what was in reality a huge facade.
I lived in a superficial state of being. I let the concepts of the world determine what I valued, how I measured myself, and who I wanted to be. I was able to survive without actually doing anything. If I couldn’t find work, my family was there to support me. If I got into trouble financially, they would bail me out. I could find work, that was in no way helping to create a path to lead to what I honestly believed was my destiny. I have known this for the past six years. Though there have been times when I was “motivated” to change something, to inspire growth and development, or to realistically look at my future and create a path to lead to my perfect self, I have one skill that has apparently been honed to perfection, and that is laziness. I am able to become complacent in any situation. I don’t know how I have allowed myself to be comfortable with a complete lack of any sort of drive, motivation, passion…. Even sitting here writing this, I could very easily convince myself to sit down the paper and take a nap. I can see and feel how much work is in front of me, and there is a part of my brain that is almost audibly protesting this change to our (brain and my) comfortable complacency. It is reminding me of how much I enjoy the freedom to do anything, or nothing, as my heart desires. It is reminding me that being challenged equals work. It is warning me that this could take away from my other great aspirations – like developing new friendships or finding a partner. It is challenging my sense of materialism by suggesting that work like this won’t provide financial freedom. It is threatening me, saying that challenging the system, be that of government or my own internal musings, is unpredictable and not a sure means of success. It is attempting to embody the fear that failure will equal a horrible life. That I will become the poster child for my greatest insecurities. It is very convincing.
Today, however, is the day that my brain and I find accord and become partners on this quest for radical change and improvement. Today is the day that I quit letting my insecurities and doubts stop me from doing what I want to do. Today is the day that I finally become the person that I’ve always believed I was. Today is the day of my rebirth.